Taking a turn from the worst

I've been thinking a lot recently. Not intentionally and not willingly. I've been finding myself confronted with these feelings I've been running from for a long time. Broke down and gave in. Started cutting and crying and thinking. I see me jumping in front of the incoming train, stepping out into flowing traffic, jumping from the top balcony, finishing a new bottle of pain killers, or falling to sleep in the tub after a deep cut. I've never really tried these things. But I've come to the point where i'm planning some of them and I'm scared for my own health and safety. Mostly, I scared for the pain I'll cause others. My mom said thinking of taking my life and taking my life is selfish. But isn't it selfish to force me to live a life I hold no clear value for? Well maybe it's just a bad time for me right now... but I can't seem to make any real effort to get help and I think times running out. However, I'm pretty sure I'll be here tomorrow. Fortunate or unfortunate. I'm not sure.