Taking a turn from the worst

I've been thinking a lot recently. Not intentionally and not willingly. I've been finding myself confronted with these feelings I've been running from for a long time. Broke down and gave in. Started cutting and crying and thinking. I see me jumping in front of the incoming train, stepping out into flowing traffic, jumping from the top balcony, finishing a new bottle of pain killers, or falling to sleep in the tub after a deep cut. I've never really tried these things. But I've come to the point where i'm planning some of them and I'm scared for my own health and safety. Mostly, I scared for the pain I'll cause others. My mom said thinking of taking my life and taking my life is selfish. But isn't it selfish to force me to live a life I hold no clear value for? Well maybe it's just a bad time for me right now... but I can't seem to make any real effort to get help and I think times running out. However, I'm pretty sure I'll be here tomorrow. Fortunate or unfortunate. I'm not sure.

So it's been a while. I started my summer drawing course. It was only for three weeks, this week is my last. I confronted him about "us" and my feelings on May 12. I got his non mutual response. I thanked him for letting me know and I've been trying to move on since then. It's not really working. I'm still thinking about him a lot more than I should be. However, I believe it's less than before. I suppose a little bit of progress is better than none at all.
I'm hurting, there is no lying about that. But it's not the pain I thought I would feel. I overestimated my feelings for him, after all it was only a few hours we spent together. Of course, this is coming from the one who believes in love at first sight and soul mates (I don't believe there is only one person meant for you). I also believe that any love is worth it, even if it doesn't last forever. Even if it's doomed from the start. I believe that feeling of "at least we tried" and all the happy memories that are in between the beginning and end is worth it all.
My drawing course has been allowing me to focus on something other than love, so I do have a fear that once i'm done this course i'll have the free time to think about him. But I'm trying and I suppose that's all I can do at this point.

Leap of faith

April 30, 2012

So we've been messaging after i messaged him first he added me on fb and apologized for taking so long. Then he tells me he likes me but doesn't know me and there is a lot of distance between us. But now he wont talk about us. Why would he bring it up in the first place then. I just wish he had never said that. Maybe then I wouldn't be completely terrified of losing him. There is a heavy feeling on my chest, like a stinging pain. I hate this. And honestly, at this point. I'm mad at him!

April 25, 2012

So he never responded. No acceptance on fb (request still pending), no add on skype, and no text. Well it hurts. A lot. But i'm burning the letter tomorrow, and i'm probably gonna cry. But i'm also letting go, and going to start with a clean slate in my life (particularly my love life). I'm telling myself i'll wait one more day because he might be out celebrating because he just finished his third year. maybe he'll add me on fb and skype tomorrow. maybe he'll text me and tell he how his exam went. maybe he'll check his stupid phone plan to see if he has nationwide texting... just maybe, he'll do something to show me i'm not a complete fool for thinking it could be something (that we could be something). =/ maybe...

April 21, 2012

Exams are done. Settled the situation with the formal guy. I'm planning to burn the letter to the Frosh Boss, while also saying good bye forever to the feelings I once felt for the guy I met and spent time with for a week. I'll do it on the next full moon, which is sometime next month. I met and made friends with one of my sisters friends. We were both under the influence, when we became very physically close. Nothing really happened. But I thought we were building something... I was wrong. I haven't heard from him since Monday. I'm giving him till 11:59 pm next Monday to find a way and message me. If he doesn't, well I guess it really was nothing... I seriously hate alcohol. 

April 7, 2012

So, I texted it out with him and everything ended on a good note. He's flattered but unavailable. That and the mature manner in which he handled it, I respect him a lot for it. Trying to keep my mind from wondering to things that might lower my mood. Oh, and I'm over my Frosh boss crush. His lack of care for his health and that fact that he can only be nice to me when he's tipsy is incredibly unattractive. I still care for him, but I don't like who he is. I honestly feel like I'm slowly, but surely growing from all these lessons that I am left to learn and interpret on my own.

April 6, 2012

I found out he was a bit old for me, but it ended on a smooth note. I went to my formal and now I have the "pleasure" of dealing with a guy who drew my attention while under the influence, but wont return any of my messages. Praying it can work out. I'm going to call him tonight, or tomorrow.

March 24, 2012

So with all my exams coming up and due dates for assignments drawing near, a very charming guy's company is a blessing. I'm going to ask him for his number, if not, I may never see him again. Wish me luck ♥

Just A Dream

As your arms reach around me

Holding me tightly against your chest

An exhaled breath of surprise

With this immense feeling

Of something I’ve never felt before

A warmth that I’ve been yearning

An inhale of breath

Filled with his smell – his essence

I never knew this feeling

But, oh, how I’ve searched for it

To feel his touch

Through every part of my body

I’ve never felt so safe

I’ve never held on so tight

With no intention of ever letting go

I pray – stay with me

Never leave me

For I love you

And this feeling you give me

The meaning you give to my life

Now – if only this wasn’t a dream

Wandering Mind

IT’s all laid out in front of me

What I can and what I might do

The rain outside never seemed

Quite to welcoming to me

Take a hot shower and wash away

All the tears and cry outs for help

Ignored, unheard, and forgotten

Wondering around this maze

That I’ve created in my mind

Holding onto the main goal

But I’m slowly losing hope

No faith that I’ll get out alive

Ironic

Sitting here just waiting

Waiting for the jury’s decision

I plead guilty on all accounts

Praying the axe is swift

For this guillotine seems old

Maybe it’ll get stuck along the way

A few more months to enjoy

What little of life I have left

That roadmap I made up

Seems pretty redundant now

I’ll never get to find the price

For finishing this stupid maze

All those ambitions and dreams

Only to be incinerated with me

Ashes spread over the ocean

Fading as the tide washes in

Simply memories to take

Only to store under lock and key

Realising the wasted effort

Misunderstanding others again

Assuming you can read minds

Losing sleep as you play psychic

Hoping all those pictures were worth the while

Never realising it’s all a game

Designed for you to lose in the end

To get out of this endless loop

Game over is the relief, the rescue

To just rest in peace

Instead of constantly running

Hoping to win only creates a loser

And by the time you give up

You’re too lost to turn around

No one’s willing to help you

From all the bridges you’ve burned

Prayed on your knees

For Prayer is all you have left

As the tears stream down you face

Your screams where never unheard

You simply stopped screaming

No one could find you

Hold your breath for the recoil

And everything else will fall

Hopefully right into place